S-Anon

I couldn’t think of a good title for this post.

After the new year I started going to a S-Anon group. I love it. I felt like I needed to keep moving forward in my recovery and I had been wanting to work a 12-step program. Everyone should work a 12-step program. It’s awesome.

Anyway, it feels so good to be back in a room full of women that share my experience. They are such amazing, strong and beautiful women. I love when someone shares and I think, Hey, me too! I love that we can nod our heads in agreement. It helps to keep me sane and give me perspective. I feels so good to not be alone.

I shared for the first time last night. I’ve mostly been quiet. I didn’t think I had much to share. And I still feel shy in groups of people. But it’s time for me to own my voice. So as I was sharing, I said something that I honestly had never thought of before–it came out of my mouth as though someone else was speaking it. I was sharing about how for so long I have been a caretaker in my life. I am the strong one–the rock. Everyone else can make mistakes, act crazy, etc. but not me. I have to be like the pillar holding everyone else up. Lately though, I’ve been giving myself permission to be human–to not forgive, to hold a grudge, to be angry, to feel sad, and mostly to hold my ground and not rescue everyone else. And I realized (this is the profound part) that I thought I was doing this for everyone else, but really I’ve been doing it for me. My own perfectionism is what’s causing me to be the pillar, not other people.

So there’s my truth and now I’m on to conquer (or at least improve) my perfectionism. I realize not that it is affecting lots of areas in my life.